The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
