i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
