Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize