so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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