I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
