Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
