You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
