Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
