i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
