Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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