Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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