I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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