Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
