just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
