just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
