god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
