I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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