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i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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