woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I need to align my fucking chakras
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
