Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
