there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
