If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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