Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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