I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
