whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize