I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
