Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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