Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
