i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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