I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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