My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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