fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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