Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We are all done wearing pants today
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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