So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
