My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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