K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
