fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
