I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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