I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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