First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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