During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
