if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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