he told me I talked like a deaf person
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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