you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
