got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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