hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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