Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
