another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
