I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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