I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
