I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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