Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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