Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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