lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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