The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
