you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
