I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
