So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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