You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize