My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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