just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize