I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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